Hulk who? Iron Man’s for me.

You won't like me when I'm on form!

Hulk who? Iron Man’s for me.

“He’s got power, pace and a mean left foot!” – Give over, please, he doesn’t even have 1/3 of these!

Givanildo Vieira de Souza… aka ‘Hulk’. For many it should be a name that engenders fear; a nickname to bring tears of fright trickling down even the leg’s of Ray Winstone but, for most European defenders, it’s just another fictional character playing a cameo role in ‘Team X vs. FC Porto: The Inevitable Clean Sheet’. Granted, the Portuguese side are a very adroit outfit when coming forward with the ball, as shown by their impressive campaign in the Europa League last year, however, with the loss of Falcao to Atletico Madrid last summer, relying on Hulk to play up front is surely too much to ask for?

But “141 goals in 263 games” I hear you cry (according to Wikipedia at least), yet whenever I’ve seen this hunk-a-beef step onto the pitch the only threat that he carries is that if you get too close to him when he’s taking his first touch you’re in serious danger of getting a great big wack on the shins! Now, I understand that maybe he’s not the most naturally talented of footballers and that sometimes his finishing isn’t always ‘there’ but what seems infuriating for an onlooking neutral is how a man comfortably over 12st and built like an Atlas+Ox love-child can be found more times on the deck than his marker.

Then there’s his supposed left boot. Fans await in eager anticipation as Hulk steps over the ball to unleash that sledgehammer shot of his… straight at the wall. Yes we know you can hit the ball hard but is there any need to pretend that you can combine the accuracy and power like Jimmy Floyd? Hulk, your shot is wilder than an ass on a buckaroo in Ibiza for God’s sake! And as for this so-called-pace of yours? I just watched Joleon Lescott burn you in a sprint.

Overacts. Overpaid. Overrated.

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