Alcohol: Winning The Battle Against Small Talk Since 4000 B.C.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy

It’s tough meeting new people. I mean, let’s be honest, we all dread it to some extent don’t we? That inevitable awkward silence waits around the corner, as the small talk starts to slowly deteriorate into digressing eyes and twitching feet. Take being at gatherings for example. I bet many of you have had conversations similar to this:

  • Hey.
  • Hi.
  • You alright?
  • Yeah, not bad thanks… you?
  • Yeah I’m good thanks.
  • Good…
  • Yeah…
  • ………………………………….
  • Nice house isn’t it?
  • (walks off in search of the family dog)
Yet, when there’s alcohol involved, conversations seem to flow with much more ease – they are certainly a lot more enjoyable! Our inhibitions are thrown out the window and we open up to other ideas, completely ignoring the conventions of small talk. For example:
  • Hey!
  • Yo!
  • You seen this guy’s bannister?!
  • Bloody hell! How much would you love to slide down there?!
  • Hmm I’m not so sure to be honest, my piles are pretty bad at the moment…
  • Ah come on! We’ll put some cream down it, you’ll be reet!
  • Oh go on then!… It’s Matthew by the way.
  • Tim.

Well ok, I know most of you probably haven’t had an exchange exactly like this, but you get my point. Alcohol causes the brain to shut down and we begin not to give a monkeys about what the people around us think. Slipping into an inebriated state the most personal of topics can suddenly appear, popping out of nowhere like some sordid jack-in-a-box… arms wide open to embrace the truth and reveal your darkest secrets!

I wonder if those Mesopotamians who discovered Beer had similar experiences. Just imagine them sat down with dead-pan faces as they contemplate their recent invention of the wheel, until Dave comes along with a pint of Mesopotamia’s finest brew:

Fox’s Mesopotamian Wheel

  • What you chumps up to?
  • Just thinking about this thing here.
  • Huh? It’s a bloody great big chocolate biscuit! What’s to think about?
  • What?
  • Boil the kettle, we’ve got some serious dunkin’ to do!

Nevertheless, although it may seem like a polar bear at first (an ice-breaker… geddit? Oh never mind!) it does have its disadvantages. To some extent, alcohol merely covers up the fact that someone is incredibly boring in real life (i.e. sober since being drunk is like living in a parallel universe) – you take away the beer, you take away the personality. So before I leave I must warn you:

1. Drink responsibly

2. If they’re no fun sober, then ditch ’em.

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2 thoughts on “Alcohol: Winning The Battle Against Small Talk Since 4000 B.C.

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