The Sin of Socks & Sandals

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every 6 months – Oscar Wilde

Never have I ever seen a more horrendous sight than the ankles of a man sporting socks with sandals. Crime against fashion I

Sinful socks & sandals!

hear you cry? Yes, but surely it’s a crime against social decorum! I mean, who on earth ever believed that such a bizarre concoction should have the right to create amazing results? The sort of results that have women swooning at the mere sight of a man’s bottom half stepping off a bus; or have them rushing over to an escalator to see their hideous combination slowly being unveiled like some sordid prize on a quiz show… No, no, NO! No one, surely no one believed this could ever be possible, so why even try it?!

Only a small minority would think this, to spend that extra amount of time rummaging through their drawers looking for the most repulsive pair of white socks – as if drawing attention to yourself is a good idea! What is more, they agonise over trying to achieve that perfect S&S look – sock colour? Check. Sandals colour? Check. Sock height? Check. The latter is the one that really gets me. I assume that, if the measurements aren’t perfect and you’re sock doesn’t grip your shin about half-way up, you’re not allowed to gain Saint of the Socks and Sandals status (or, as we like to call them here at wordpress.com – St. S&S). Indeed one must earn the right to join such a clique through hard work and dedication… but most importantly – terrible fashion sense.

Admittedly, wearing socks with shoes does have its benefits (albeit only 3):

  1. Socks help keep your feet clean, protecting them from dust and moisture (although toe-fluff isn’t exactly the nicest thing… unless you’re throwing it at your enemies)
  2. Socks stop your shoes from rotting like old apples (no one likes rotting fruit)
  3. Socks make nice puppets (everyone loves a good ol’ sock bunny)
Nevertheless, surely this doesn’t justify wearing them with sandals. I mean, can we not make an exception to the law here; break the shoe-shaped mould; sacrifice our feet for the benefit of the bigger picture? When I meet people on the street they’ll agree with me that the few remaining renegades need ousting – people hate them (the S&S not necessarily the wearers)!
So, I guess it’s no surprise that such an abhorred practice, performed only by anti-social dorks and 1990’s Dads alike, is slowly starting to die out…

… or is it?! Duhn, duhn, DUHHNN!

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Moustaches: it’s a love/hate relationship

Strange Salvador

Since I don’t smoke I decided to grow a moustache – it is better for the healthSalvador Dali

Einstein, Dali, Selleck… The list goes on. Great men with great moustaches and, to quote Peter Griffin, “with such greatness comes a great responsibility”. Now, I know they say that a dog is a man’s best friend but I didn’t realise that one was referring to the little labrador hanging like moss from beneath our cliff-like noses! They keep a man’s lips fuzzily warm. They’re our own personal brooms to brush away the troubles of everyday life but why are they not as loved as all the other facial hairstyles?

Yes, Hitler’s reputation may have taken away the winsome magic of Chaplin’s toothbrush tash and, sure enough, Stalin’s moustache-hidden lies haven’t helped either but surely that doesn’t make all moustaches bad! So here are the 5 good (if not great!) famous mostaccios

Salvador Dali 

Aha! What a great place to start. How could I do a post on facial hair without mentioning one of the moustache-wearing greats at least 3 times! A skilled craftsman, both with his surrealist artwork and mustachio, Dali (pictured at the top) created a book solely dedicated to the tash – if that’s not love then God knows what is! For me, Dali’s is surely a splendiferous example of everything great concerning the upper lip hair since he is able to effortlessly combine elegance with enigma. Curving upwards like two curious vanilla beans, these carefully shaped points symbolise artistry, curiosity and, above all, psychedelia. Trippy.

Tash-tastic!

Tom Selleck

Although one could argue that Thomas Magnum has single-handedly ensured that no stache will ever be taken seriously on prime time TV again, I believe it represents so much more than a joke. Like the rug sprouting from his barrel chest, Tom’s cookie duster is almost the polar opposite to Salvador’s because, whereas his possessed an exquisite subtlety, Selleck’s is an emblem for testosterone-fuelled power. Virile? Most certainly. I mean, without his mo can you imagine him trying to pull off the deadpan “Did you see the sun rise this morning?” with the same manly conviction? Thought not. It just goes to show that his somewhat disconsolate furry friend provides much more than a flavour-saver – it’s a crime investigator and evil repeller.

Charlie Chaplin

The king of mime, slapstick and humour – a visual comedy genius. It’s fair to say that Chappers owed a lot of his fame and success to the toothbrush that resided an inch or so above it’s habitual home. What is more, there seems to be something so attractively charming about the exaggerated eyebrows and moustache, an element that makes Charlie Chaplin so undeniably hilarious! Now I know that he might not be to everyone’s tastes but I think we can all agree that, if there’s one thing to love about him, it’s the mischievous quality of his rather cheeky moustache!

 

Albert Einstein

Oh Alby, how we love you! Everyone’s favourite and trustworthy uncle, this German-born scientist was truly a lovely and smart bloke. However, funnily, he was often mistaken for a tramp due to his unkempt hair and general disregard for personal appearance, something paralleled in his moustache. In spite of this, his list of achievements are endless: Noble Prize Winner; Matteucci Medal; Copley Medal… to name a few and, yes I realise that we can’t credit such a panoply of successes directly to his facial hair but I do believe that, since his death in 1955, it has come to represent a humble and heart-warming intellect – something we can all aspire to achieve

Frank Zappa

So finally we come to moustache no. 5 on the list of the all-time greats. As of now we’ve seen: artistry from Dali; virility in the shape of Selleck; comedy with Chaplin and geniality from Einstein. So what’s left? Only getting funky with Zappa! Let’s face it, there’s a little part in everyone that’s a wannabe Rock ‘n’ Roll star. If we had the chance, or indeed the talent, to fill out a packed arena we wouldn’t hesitate to take it (I know I certainly wouldn’t!) so I guess this is why we were, and still are, envious of the Zapster. Combining raw-sexual magnetism with the ice-cool qualities of your average rockstar, there is no denying that Frank’s was a corker!

…and if that’s not justification for why tashes aren’t all bad then I don’t what is!